The Lemon Life | online magazine offering a fresh perspective on post-grad life.

Words by: Mark Hunter

Image by: Migraine Chick

For the first time worker, the range of personalities, characters and politics within the average office can be a little overwhelming.  To give first timers a heads up however, here is a breakdown of four very common office types to look out for and how to deal with them effectively. 


The Geek:

Introduction:  Male, probably under thirty.  Largely harmless, yet often intensely annoying.  Much like car enthusiasts, employs fervent use of statistics when informing others of his most recent upgrade to his home computer.  Has memorised the way to get Lara Croft naked in the Tomb Raider games.

Physical features:  Pale and spotty complexion due to lack of natural sunlight and large scale consumption of Doritos, distinctly un-athletic build due to total absence of exercise, thick glasses due to constant proximity to computer screens and greasy hair and body odour due to slapdash approach to hygiene.

Avoid: Divulging any interest in computers/computer games, the internet, films, science-fiction or comics.

Method of escape: Say you enjoy the gym, social events and fruit and vegetables.  In emergencies, say you’ve heard of a new cheat that makes Lara Croft pole dance.

The Lifer:

Introduction:  Male, over thirty five.  Again largely harmless, but can occasionally possess dementor-like properties and suck any joy or happiness out of a situation.  Has been in the same role in same company for countless years and has given up on life.  Dislikes anybody with a potentially profitable, successful or enjoyable career.

Physical features:  Sunken, dead eyes as a result of staring at the same spreadsheets for years; permanent grimace caused by bitterness towards younger, more driven employees; lethargic to the point of catatonic.

Avoid: Talking about anything relating to their time with the company, reminiscing fondly about university or asking what their weekend plans are.

Method of escape: Say you’ve already been accepted onto the fast-track management scheme and that in your spare time you write best-selling novels and fight crime.

The Life-Story Teller:

Introduction:  Female, approaching retirement age.  Drones on and on about every insignificant aspect of her life whether somebody has inquired or not, to the point where those sitting far enough away simply ignore her.  This has no impact.  Makes the same jokes day in day out but still laughs at them.  Does not laugh at genuine humour.

Physical features:  No distinguishing features, except muscles around mouth may be slightly more toned than rest of elderly body due to constant use.  Can often be seen smiling benignly as she wanders around blithely interrupting everyone’s working day with inconsequential bullshit.

Avoid:  Engaging in conversation of any kind or even pretending to care about what she has to say.  These people enjoy new, polite blood, so nip it in the bud instantly.

Method of escape: Simply ignoring the Life-Story Teller does not work.  Vacating the room or possibly even the entire building is often a minimum requirement. 


The Sniper:

Introduction:  Female, various ages.  Dangerous and should be approached with extreme caution.  Collects, edits and regurgitates office gossip like a wood chipper.  Will offer to take new employees under her wing but is only doing it for inside information.  Is more two faced than a pair of Siamese twins – often sickly sweet in conversation and then razor sharp behind your back.

Physical features:  Small, beady, roving eyes and deceptively small ears that don’t miss the beat of a moth’s wing.  Can take many shapes and forms but can often be spotted tiptoeing in the direction of any whispered conversations.  Look for padded, noise reducing shoes.

Avoid:  Confiding even the slightest personal detail or problem to her, participating in her gossip sessions and reading Heat magazine in her presence.

Method of escape: If caught by ‘The Sniper’, the only safe method of extrication is to remain totally unmoved by what she has to say.  Constantly taking the ‘it’s their business’ stance has, in the past, proved an effective aide.

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